The year has begun the way that ’24 went out, with opportunities to simultaneously review and anticipate.

I can’t make sense of so much going on in the world of late; I still have trouble accessing the news on a regular basis. It is still inconceivable to me that so much of the world has turned to a Nationalist ideal that prizes isolation; an economic and political model that prizes oligarchic authority; and a xenophobic perspective that refuses to acknowledge the wealth brought to all by the views of those who have experienced life in other places.

And so, with a strong distaste for the state of the world, I also self-isolate. I turn further and further inward, only wishing to engage with family and a very few friends. If I choose to share time with others, it is only to pursue the single interest of SCUBA, or perhaps talking about our dogs. I’ve noticed the tendency to talk about larger issues has decreased among all of us since November, when so many of us held tight to the hope that, at least here in the U.S., things might not continue the trends of so many other places. But hopes were shown naive, and we’ve closed up like scared snails.

I’ve been asked to evaluate a pile of submissions for a music/composition prize. And that experience has been truly remarkable–surprisingly so. The first phase of this adjudication involves reviewing materials on my own, and somehow selecting a very small “top” list. As I have spent almost a month reviewing alot of music on my own, I have heard so many interesting ideas, so many expertly executed works, so much inventiveness. This has really been inspiring, and I find my own musical ideas arising during quiet moments of the days, during the early morning hours of dog-walking. And I welcome those moments just as I did decades ago.

The second phase is for that list to be shared with other judges’ “top” lists; then we’ll meet/discuss to agree on a final list of just a few. As each individual has a unique list of submissions to review (though enough overlap so that every submission has several reviewers), I know that my list cannot be exactly the same as any other single judge’s. So that means that the next phase will bring even more exceptional music and ideas into my view.

But it also means that I will have to engage with others to try to reach a point of agreement. That is, after all, the point of the task we all face. I don’t personally know the others on this panel. I will admit that I am not looking forward to this next phase, as I simply don’t want to engage others with whom I may disagree. I have retreated so much into my shell that I am dreading having to meet with them at all. And that is just ridiculous and immature.

I spent many years in academia, where working out disagreements is baked into the processes. I used to relish the task of working things out, of finding points of agreement that could build into new views and future paths of progress. But now I feel a bit paralyzed. We’ll see how it all works out, and how I deal with the meeting of minds that emerge during the next phase.

But I do look forward to hearing the submissions of the other panelists’ “top” lists. While it will be a challenge to pluck the top of the top, it is likely to bring interesting ideas to my ears. And it will also bring new stimulation and, possibly, inspiration, to my composer’s ear.

I do have a piece brewing, and the excitement of hearing the ideas I’m working out is like a boiling pot. I am enjoying this feeling again, after avoiding it for some months now.

The past few weeks have also brought some “blasts from the past” my way. Some friends from decades ago have reached out and reconnected, and we’ve shared some newsy exchanges. I am in awe of what some of these folks have faced in their lives, of how they’ve survived and thrived, and how we all gain experience through our tests–some of theirs far more challenging than my own.

And that reminds me that even those I may disagree with have had their own tests. Perhaps that’s the best I can do right now.